Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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