i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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