i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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