In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had to cum in my sink.
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