thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
