he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
