i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
