Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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