not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just pee around me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
