Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
