Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
