I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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