Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
