Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
