i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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