never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
