Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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