My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
