i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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