Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
