we have pet lesbian snakes
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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