As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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