i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize