I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
