well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
