They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
