can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
