CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
