I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
