I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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