dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
