So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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