don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
