dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
