Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
