I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
