He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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