Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize