we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
