You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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