I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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