Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
