The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize