So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
