I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
