So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
