the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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