There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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