Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
