So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm passing your future prison.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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