this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
