I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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