end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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