Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize