Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
