If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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