The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
