Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
